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Hyouzen Clan Are_yo10

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Hyouzen Clan Are_yo10

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 Hyouzen Clan

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2 posters
AuthorMessage
Altair Hyouzen
Genin
Genin
Altair Hyouzen


Male TP : 0
Posts : 33
Join date : 2011-05-07
Location : The shadows

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptySat May 07, 2011 3:09 pm

Name:Hyouzen
Village/Association:Dokugakure
History:This clan
has been around for centuries but has never shown themselves for fear
that they be hunted down. The founder and clan leader Tana Doragonhāto
was a kind person she never understood her powers but was willing to
pass them on before she passed on. Its was three years after the clan
was starting to come alive before Tana died.

The next person that
was suposed to be the leader was Tana's younger brother kenta but
Tana's son was born earlier on and was the right age so he took the
throne and Kenta had to wait once more but Kenta was a trickster. Kenta
was filling Tana's son Nowa with lies, and false facts.

Afterwards
Nowa launched an attack on the nearest village and took control and
went to the next and the next and so on. Before he could attack the
first major village Kenta had a change of heart and killed Nowa for the
safety of the clan. The clan split up thinking that would be the best
solution, a few Doragonhāto childeren pop up now and again but the clan
stays hidden waiting for the right moment to come back and redeem there
lost honor
.

Clan Symbol: Hyouzen Clan M10
Elemental Affinity:Yōgan{Lava release}
Other info
Jutsu :
Spoiler:

Clan members:
Spoiler:


Last edited by Altair Hyouzen on Sun May 15, 2011 3:29 am; edited 4 times in total
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Xin Li
Legendary Sannin
Legendary Sannin
Xin Li


TP : 0
Posts : 647
Join date : 2011-03-08

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptySat May 07, 2011 6:21 pm

Man this is a cluster bang. You have to do some editing. The history isnt bad, but your jutsu and ect is too much especially the Hyouton plays a large part bud. It belongs to the Yuki clan. Denied until edits are made.
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Altair Hyouzen
Genin
Genin
Altair Hyouzen


Male TP : 0
Posts : 33
Join date : 2011-05-07
Location : The shadows

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptySun May 08, 2011 11:43 am

Wait so i just have to change my elements and such.
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Xin Li
Legendary Sannin
Legendary Sannin
Xin Li


TP : 0
Posts : 647
Join date : 2011-03-08

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptySun May 08, 2011 11:57 am

Yup. Hyouton is Yuki's KKG. You must remove that. From what I can tell your clan uses alot of ice jutsu, and we cant allow that since it is the yukis kkg. Overall history is okay, but you have to rework some jutsu. The clan as a whole seems OP
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Altair Hyouzen
Genin
Genin
Altair Hyouzen


Male TP : 0
Posts : 33
Join date : 2011-05-07
Location : The shadows

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptySun May 08, 2011 11:23 pm

Edited
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Xin Li
Legendary Sannin
Legendary Sannin
Xin Li


TP : 0
Posts : 647
Join date : 2011-03-08

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Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
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Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptyTue May 10, 2011 6:28 am

Mate this is a tad bit painful, but YOU really have to redo majority of your jutsu. I dont really know where to statr, but Like 8+ of your jutsu will be denied. You are doing a bit too much atm. Scale it down. Like you are turning into a half dragon, have lava release, producing a dojutsu that is basically the sharingan, you can regenerate and heal?

Remove and rework mate. bump it when you are done.
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Altair Hyouzen
Genin
Genin
Altair Hyouzen


Male TP : 0
Posts : 33
Join date : 2011-05-07
Location : The shadows

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptyTue May 10, 2011 10:11 am

Edit Bump
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Xin Li
Legendary Sannin
Legendary Sannin
Xin Li


TP : 0
Posts : 647
Join date : 2011-03-08

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptyFri May 13, 2011 2:40 am

Zero members of this clan can use fuuton. The primary and secondary are predetermined as fire and earth. So please remove those please. Alot of your jutsu are still op and must be down graded like your dragon stuff should be removed, but I will help tou as I can.
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Altair Hyouzen
Genin
Genin
Altair Hyouzen


Male TP : 0
Posts : 33
Join date : 2011-05-07
Location : The shadows

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptyFri May 13, 2011 2:59 pm

Alright then changed that, now which jutsu look OP?
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Xin Li
Legendary Sannin
Legendary Sannin
Xin Li


TP : 0
Posts : 647
Join date : 2011-03-08

Ninja Profile
Main Class: Assassin
Secondary Class: Vanguard
Sensei:

Hyouzen Clan Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hyouzen Clan   Hyouzen Clan EmptyFri May 13, 2011 3:11 pm

Name:Ryū no tsubasa{Dragon Wings}
Rank: D
Element: Yogan
Type: Kekkai Genkai - Ninjutsu
Range: Close-Long
Description: The
user makes dragon type wings formed from Lava to come from his/her back. Once the wings
fully appear the user uses his wind chakra to use diffrent techniques
with the wing. The user is able to fly once the wings are expanded but
not for a long period of time maybe for about 4-5 mintues. {exp: Super
speed, Great gusts of winds} This can stay active for 8 posts max and
has a 5 post cooldown



Name: Doragondasshu{ Dragon Dash}
Rank: C-A
Element: Fuuton
Type: Kekkai Genkai-Ninjutsu
Range: N/A
Description: The
user wings expand again and the feet turn into dragon talons. After
everything has finished the transformation the users speed increases to
x2 there base level.


Name: Ryū no me{ Dragon Eyes}
Rank: A
Type: Kekkai Genkai/Ijutsu
Range: Close
Description:
the users eyes turn into those of a dragon down to the last detail. The
eyes grant the user better reflexes and keener sight. The eyes can last up to 5 posts
before they fade and has a cooldown of 7 posts once faded.

S-ranked
Name:Furudoragonrirīsu{Full Dragon Release}
Rank: S
Type: Kekkai Genkai
Range: N/A
Description:
the jutsu is designed as a desperation technique for the users. The
user releases all available chakra that they have left into a full
transformation into a dragon but is still capable of control of there
powers. Afterwards there body begins to deteriorate from the inside the
longer the jutsu is active the more the body is destroyed, only can stay
active for 5 posts max 9 post cool down.


You've got one or two more, but in all honestly I am tried as fuck right now, and am very loose minded. Overall this has potential, but I'm not getting where the hell this dragon eye stuff or the flighty jutsu or ect is coming from. You're increasing your speeed, your eye sight to that of a shargian, increasing your skin density and ect. So I'm asking how does all this stem from Lava Release, which is the sole KKG itself.

Now I'm not mad or anything it's just that when I look at this it seems like you got too excited, and added some stuff in there that technquelly shouldn't be in there. But like I said I am tired mate. I am going to lay down, and I'll do what i can to help iron this out when I wake up
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