Chick Code

1) Chicks before dicks. The bond between two women is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, women are more willing and able to commit than men. Unfortunate for our love lives, but true.

2) A Chick is always entitled to do something wild, as long as the rest of her Side-Chicks are all doing it. For example: partaking in "WOOO!"-ing. The license to be wild is why we have Side-Chicks in the first place.

3) A Chick never divulges the existence of the Chick Code to a man. It is a sacred document not to be shared with guys for any reason...no, not ever that reason. Note: if you a man reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain this much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is-a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.** Oh, and have you been working out?

4) Whether she cares about shopping/shoes/clothes/makeup/etc or not, a Chick cares about the aforementioned.
hip-hop-easter-chick

5) A Chick shall not stare inappropriately if she and other Chicks must get naked in front of one another in a locker room. You may gossip, joke around, and many other fun activities but never should you stare at another Chick's breasts, "No-No Square", and/or bum.

6) A Chick never admits that she's PMSing to a guy, not even when she is PMSing.

7) A Chick always sends greeting cards (even if she doesn't really want to). While some Chicks may not enjoy sending greeting cards, the respectable thing to do is to send one, whether it be a "Thank You" Note, a "Get Well Soon" Card, a Birthday Card, a "Congratulations" Card, a Holiday Card, or a "Thinking of You" Note.

Should a Chick be critically injured, her Side-Chicks are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt Chick does first.

9) A Chick will drop whatever she's doing and rush to help her Side-Chick when and if she gets dumped. Things required to ensure maximum comfort for your dumped Side-Chick: a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, things to break, tissues, chocolate, alcohol, chick flicks, angry chick music, popcorn, mani/pedi kit, facial kit, and words aimed to describe what a douche what's-his-face was.

10) A Chick always asks for a guy's help when moving. For more effective results (aka getting a reluctant guy friend to move your massive couch and queen sized bed) butter him up about how strong and able and manly he is. For even more effective results, it is acceptable to slut it up a little or "involuntarily" show off your assets while buttering up. Pouting and begging in a sexual manner are also acceptable in this situation.

11) On dinner dates, do not eat like a pig. But do not be peckish either. And when dessert rolls around, and you're hoping for an "active" night, nonchalantly licking icing, whipped cream off your finger(s), or the underside of your utensil works most effectively.

12) A Chick must always help her fellow Chicks stay away from known or rumored creepers.

13) A Chick shall always help a Side-Chick get a guy. Should your Side-Chick be pursuing a taken guy (in a relationship, engaged, or married) you are not obligated to help her win him.

14) If a guy should inquire about another Chick's sexual history, a Chick shall lie and say that she doesn't know so that the Chick questioned about looks not like a whore nor a prude. Exception: should a guy inquire about another Chick's sexual history with women, a Chick shall indignantly say that the Chick questioned about has never done anything with in a sexual nature with a woman or women, regardless of whether or not she has ("I don't know" is also acceptable but not suggested). Exception to Exception: The Chick questioned about had previously told you of their sexual interactions with women and it was not a secret.

15) A Chick never dances stupidly nor too slutty. Exception: when a Chick is drunk or under the pretense of being drunk.

16) A Chick should be able, at any time, to recite the following: winner of American Idol and Project Runway; who's on the cover of Vanity Fair and Vogue; the the new hottest couple is; who the top celebrity couples are; what the latest celebrity scandals are.

17) A Chick shall be kind and courteous to her co-workers, unless they are beneath her on the Pyramid of Screaming***, are total jerk wads, completely incompetent, and/or inappropriate (that kind of inappropriate).

18) A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's brother (unless genuinely deemed okay with the Chick who has the brother). However, a Chick shall not let it bother her in any way if another Chick says, "OMG you're brother is, like, so hott!" And should a Chick's brother be interested in the Chick's friend, it is not acceptable for them to get together unless genuinely deemed okay by the Chick with the brother.

19) A Chick respects Chicks in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more the point, because they can totally kick your ass when you comment on how camouflage print doesn't look good on them or their tragic haircut.

20) A Chick may share her observations about another Chick's smoking-hot boyfriend, but in no way must she say anything further to ensure that the Chick with with hot bf doesn't think that the observing Chick will attempt to steal the bf in any way, shape, or form.

21) Homosexual men are completely acceptable as Side-Chicks. Sometimes even better. For example, less of your Gucci's will "go missing". Unless your homosexual guy-friend cross-dresses, which is also completely acceptable.

22) There is no law that prohibits a straight man from being a Side-Chick or "one of the girls". He can make a wonderful wingman or, if all else fails, a backup boyfriend/hubby.

23) A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's ex, unless the Chick whose ex it is does.

24) If two Chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than stripping down and wrestling it out. See Article 38 for a description of the rules should the strip-n-wrestle situation occur.

25) If two Chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to "accidentally" spill a drink on the other.

26) A Chick doesn't let another Chick get a"tramp stamp".

27) A Chick never removes her clothing in public, unless at a pool, beach, or (sometimes) a concert.

28) A Chick will, in a timely manner, alert her Side-Chicks to the existence of a sale/clearance.

29) If two chicks decide to catch a movie together, they shall split a tub of popcorn to save money. However, they are not to share a drink because that would just be awkward.

30) A Chick comparison shops.

31) When on the prowl, a Chick hits the most decent seeming guy first in hopes of catching a good one.

32) A Chick must get married before she's forty.

33) When in a public restroom, a Chick (1) does not look in between the crack in stall doors, even by accident; (2) waits until the restroom is completely empty before streaking to the next stall when you find that the stall you chose has no toilet paper rather than asking anyone if they could pass her any (this also applies for when she needs to sprint to the tampon dispenser thingy); (3) taps foot impatiently and huffs a bit when there is a wait; (4) always uses soap.

34) Chicks never reveal where they get their toys**** when involved in lesbian intercourse or a tricycle*****.

35) A Chick never rents or buys porn.

36) When the situation arises where a Chick spies another Chick with fake breasts while with her bf, then comments on it, a Chick always has the right to read between the lines at the bf's reaction comment (aka catching him staring at her breasts-but at least give him a few brownie points if he decries the silicon masses).

37) A Chick always reserves the right to get miffed if her male companion does not exhibit gentlemanly conduct (i.e. not opening the door for her, not pulling out her chair for her to sit down, not offering to pay, etc.)
38) Even in a fight to the death, a Chick never assaults, or attempts to assault, another Chick's breasts, bum, or "No-No Square". Scratching (this includes eye-gauging) is also not acceptable, on account of the usually long and sometimes sharp nails of our gender. Hair pulling, unfortunately, is both acceptable and encouraged.

39) When a Chick exchanges numbers with a guy, she is allowed to contact him twice before she must honor the weird "wait three days" thing guys do.

40) Should a Chick get the chance to be engaged to be married, her Side-Chicks are obligated to help the betrothed out in any way the bride-to-be deems possible. And they shall also throw her a kick ass bachelorette party as one last fling.

41) A Chick is always allowed to cry (and if she can cry on cue, all the better).

42) Upon greeting another Chick, a Chick may engage in a hug, cheek kiss(es), high five, hand shake, fist bump, Bro hug, jumping up and down, booty bump, or light ass smack, but never a kiss on the lips nor grope/caress in any way. Exception: lesbians.

43) A Chick loves her country, especially if it's in Europe.

44) A Chick may never take off or move around her swim bottoms while applying sunscreen, though untying the back of her top is acceptable.

45) A Chick does not go to a strip club as a general rule, though it is not completely prohibited.

46) If a Chick is seated next to a Chick who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, she shall yield her all their shared armrests, unless the girl has (a) been talking absolutely nonstop; (b) is snoring; (c) makes the Chick get up more than once to use the lavatory; or (d) is really fat.

47) A Chick loves pink, regardless to whether or not she really does live pink.

48) A Chick always, when the opportunity arises, participates in a drinking game (i.e. "I Never"/"Never Have I Ever", etc.) or risky party game (i.e. Truth or Dare, Seven Minutes in Heaven, Would You Rather, Spin the Bottle, etc).

49) When asked, "Do you need some help?" by a super hot guy, a Chick always replies yes, whether or not she's really got it.

50) If a Chick should accidentally boob or butt brush another Chick both shall continue on like nothing had happened. If a Chick should boob or butt brush a guy on accident she shall act like nothing happened and try not to blush.

51) A Chick checks out another Chick's blind date and reports back, though the Chick going on the blind date is obligated to still go on the date and give the guy a chance even if the report is bad.

52) A Chick is required to remember her Side-Chick's birthdays and anniversaries, and children's birthdays and anniversaries.

53) Even in a drought, a Chick always washes her hands after every potty break, and washes her face every morning and night.

54) A Chick is required to go out with her mother on Mother's Day, and her Side-Chicks on Halloween, New Year's Eve, Boxing Day, Black Friday, and Desperation Day (February 13th).

55) A Chick is always allowed to borrow clothes from another Chick, unless said clothes are unwashed, frumpy, obsolete, ugly, and/or gross.

56) A Chick is required to alert another Chick if the Guy/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, so not to create a Chicklandia, a Chick may only alert three Side-Chicks. Chicklandia is when there is little to no men, while a Sausage Zone is when there is little to no women. The perfect range is around "for every girl there is three guys".

57) A Chick always reveals the score of a sporting event to a guy, if she can remember it.

58) A Chick always shaves, or waxes, her legs, armpits, eyebrows if they need to be, and "down there" (if the need be, then other places may be shaved/waxed as well). Exception: butch lesbians, girls too uncomfortable or sensitive, or girls who are making a statement by not doing it.

59) A Chick always brings a jailed Chick the necessities ("necessities" may vary in definition for each individual, so be sure to know what the jailed Chick would appreciate).

60) A Chick will always be respectful to others' parents, even if they're driving her insane.

61) A Chick will always alert the significant other of her Side-Chick's life to an upcoming anniversary, birthday, or other important events. This is to protect the feelings of her Side-Chick, because you know that the significant other she's alerted had forgotten.

62) In the event that two Chicks lock on to the same target, they may be somewhat petty towards the opposing chick and somewhat slutty to the target. It is important that the target be aware that there is competition for his affection, but not find out just how vicious and important the situation is. Should it happen that the target choose neither Chick, they reserve the right to blame each other and call each other bad names under their breath.

63) A Chick will be completely supportive of all decisions of her Side-Chick in the event of pregnancy. This includes the touchy subject of abortion, but even then a Chick must respect any and all decisions made by the preggo Chick.

64) In the case of a road trip, the Chick that suggested the road trip must pay for the food and a fraction of all other expenses. Bad things, like car sickness or post-Taco Bell potty breaks, and it will be blamed on the Chick who suggested the road trip. Therefor, she must pay more.

65) A Chick can order any type of alcoholic drink she wants. Because, unlike men, we can have both fruity drinks with umbrellas and cheap beer.

66) A Chick shall always participate in karaoke when the even arises, and, if she can't carry a tune, reserves the right to pretend to be drunk or get drunk.

67) Should you know for a fact that your Side-Chick's significant other is cheating on her, then she MUST tell her Side-Chick, even though it'll hurt her. Getting evidence first also helps.

68) A Chick must NEVER EVER EVER get her vagina pierced.

69) Duh.

70) A Chick will drive another Chick to the airport and, if she's available, also pick her up-both of which on time and/or early. She is expected to inquire how her trip was and her general well-being, and at least offer to help her with her luggage.

71) Chicks are strongest in three's and four's. Can't explain it, but so true.

72) A Chick always spell-checks.

73) When a group of Chicks are in a restaurant, each shall pay for what they ate. No time wasting bill jockeying, and is very fair.

74) Yellow lights are an option-either slow down and accept the red light, or speed up and get across while you can.

75) A Chick can always be honest to a guy about their occupation (because she knows that he'll imagine it as a sexual role play no matter what it is... unless she's a porn star, which in itself is sexual role play... so he'll probably just jizz in his pants).

76) A Chick reserves the right to be a bit miffed should her bf act differently toward her around his Bros, but will only confront him when the Bros have all gone away. Because Chicks are courteous.

77) Chicks may always snuggle, cuddle, and spoon.

78) A Chick shall never Jock Block****** her Side-Chick(s).

79) At a wedding, a Chick shall be excited about the bouquet catch, even if she isn't, for the sake of the bride.

80) Chicks are not dolls, toys, or play-things-hazing=NO WAY IN HELL, BI-ATCH, GET AWAY FROM ME!

81) A Chick always puts the toilet seat back down-we are ladies.

82) If two Chicks get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, she is expected to take it back, apologize, and make amends. Otherwise the offended Chick reserves the right to never speak to the out-of-line-Chick again.

83) Though it is not strictly prohibited, mixing it up romantically with a coworker is not suggested. Seeing each other all the time at work after a break up? Awkward...)

84) A Chick shall stop whatever she's doing and watch The Notebook if it's on TV.

85) If a Chick buys a new car, she is required to accessorize it immediately.

86) A Chick shall accessorize. Period. Nuff said. Article 69.

87) A Chick never questions another Chick's stated amount of shoes, calories she's eaten that day, or how many times she's dyed her hair.

88) If a Chick, for whatever reason, must drive another Chick's car, she may adjust the mirrors and seat position, but put it back to the way it was before giving it back. A Chick must not let anything impair her driving.

89) A Chick does not work in the kitchen, nor does she make/bring her man a sandwich.

90) A Chick always brings over a bottle of wine when inviting to an event at someone's house. Exception: under the age of 21.

91) Chick's don't do nicknames. They do shortened versions of their names, their middle names, or variations of their names. But Chicks. Do. Not. Do. Nicknames.

92) A Chick must not, under any circumstances, become like her mother.

93) White Chicks do not try to talk gangsta. EVER!

94) A Chick does not let herself get fat.

95) A Chick is not always obligated to alert her Side-Chicks of a mega hottie. Sometimes ya just gotta be selfish.

96) Chicks shall swear off men at least once a year, for the sake of feminism. Or because of douche bags.

97) Chicks criticize college cheerleaders, as long as they're not from their college. Exception: Personal vendetta against her school's cheerleaders, or burning hatred for all cheerleaders anywhere ever.

98) A Chick will call her bf "cute" or "adorable" once in front of his Bros just for fun, then promise never to do it again. (when he's around ;D)

99) Asking for directions, maps, GPS... it doesn't matter, okay?

100) When pulling up to a stoplight, a Chick shall text. Whether or not her state has make it illegal to Text-n-Drive.

101) If a Chick asks another Chick to keep a secret, she shall take it to her grave and beyond. Yes, this will be very difficult since the human race is a very social species and she might feel the exploding need to spill the beans or gossip, but she shan't because friends are more important than having the latest scoop. Exception: if she or anyone else is in danger.

102) A Chick shall take great care in selecting her outfit for any occasion.

103) A Chick never wears Christmas colors (red and green) when it's not Christmas time. Same goes for Halloween colors (orange and black), and Independence Day colors (red, white, and blue).

104) The father and/or stepfather of a Chick is always off-limits.

105) If a Chick is not invited to another Chick's wedding, she doesn't make a huge deal out of it, even if, let's face it, she was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It's cool. No biggie. Talking discreetly behind the bride's back may work, if she truly feels the need to make a semi-big deal out of it.

106) Jello shots are awesome. No argument. Ever.

107) A Chick never lets another Chick look like trash.

108) If a Chick forgets another Chick's name, somehow devise a plan to learn her name without actually asking her. Though, if you need her attention immediately, shouting out "Hey!" and catching up to her and speaking in an urgent fashion but still in a 'I know you, I recognize you, wanna make friendship bracelets?' kind of way usually works fine.

109) When Chicks attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron (that big TV thingy) they shall wave, point, and blow kisses.

110) If a guy orders a Chick a drink, the Chick shall use gestures to thank him for the drink, then ask the bar tender if he knows if the drink-sender is a decent guy.

111) If a Chick discovers another Chick has forgotten to sign out of her email, the Chick shall respectfully sign out for her, but only after taking a quick peek at any interesting looking messages.

112) Should a Girl Power song come on, a Chick is expected, at the very least, to shriek about how much she loves that song.

113) A Chick does not date a guy for his money. Er, does not date an old guy for his money, even though the cash is quicker. Ew!

114) Should a Chick need to bunk at another Chick's house for an extended period of time, she is expected to help pay for food, toiletries, and any delivered movie-rentals.

115) If a Chick finds a "clothing optional" beach, and it's not in Europe, then it is not suggested that you attend.

116) A Chick loves music.

117) A Chick never willingly relinquishes possession of her cell phone. Should another Chick snatch it from her, then the offended Chick reserves the right to be very angry and possibly mildly harm the rude Chick in order to retrieve her cell phone.

118) A vegetarian Chick does not eat tofu in the company of omnivores/carnivores. It's sickening.

119) If a Chick owns a convertible, she is required to, during warm days/months/seasons, have the top off, let her hair loose, and sometimes wear sunglasses.

120) A Chick calls boys she hates by their last name, or at least says their first name with disgust. Exception: name is also a racial, ethnic, or sexist epithet, or is a homophone for a cuss word.

121) A Chick reserves the right to be hyper.

122) A Chick lets guys win half the time. Enough so that he doesn't get bitter, enough so that you'll still feel good about yourself.

123) When driving with a friend following, a Chick always makes sure that she is in sight of the friend.

124) A Chick shall always help another Chick reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with some unknown dude or continuously hitting on other women. Unless she's a lesbian, then that would be normal.

125) If a Chick lends another Chick a DVD, article of clothing, CD, or anything else, she shall expect to get it back and will hold it against the borrowing Chick in the occurrence of an argument.

126) A Chick shall not hitchhike anywhere ever.

127) Chicks do not fart. A chick has to hold a fart in no matter what. She is allowed to fart only in the shower.

128) When hosting, a Chick makes sure that her bf hasn't messed with anything. And if he has, then she must fix it immediately!

129) Getting kneed in the groin hurts Chicks, too.

130) A Chick reserves the right to simply walk away after the first five minutes of a date. This is the "Lemon Law" and you can find cut outs of it in the fabled "Bro Code" (see Article 132).

131) Yes, it's true-guys really do have their own Code, much like this document. But it is full of sexist text, and obviously the author was thinking from his crotch and not his brain. As a Chick, it is our vagina-given right to frown upon The Bro Code and those who actually live by it. [A/N: I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself and cracked up all over the place as I wrote this. It, of course, is a lie-the Bro Code is hilarious and awesome, and Barney Stinsen is the King.]

132) A Chick must get a mani/pedi/facial/massage about every two months to ensure a happy and healthy internal environment.

133) A Chick shall seek no revenge if she passes out around her Side-Chicks and wakes up to find that they've pulled numerous pranks on her sleeping form (i.e. marker all over her face, the hot water trick, the shaving cream trick, etc).

134) Chicks care about the environment.

135) Chicks care about animals. And not in the 'Ooh I wonder which one is 'in' right now..." but in the very humane and loving and non-clothes way.

136) A Chick never bunks with someone else and sleeps in the nude. Exception: sex with the one(s) you're bunking with.

137) A Chick refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to her Side-Chicks.

138) If a Chick sees one of her Side-Chicks get into a fight, she attempts to rip the fighters away from each other.

139) Chicks are smarter than guys. It's a scientific fact.